creepypastafandomcom-20200222-history
User talk:Millou15
EmpyrealInvective (talk) 13:32, July 18, 2017 (UTC) ChristianWallis (talk) 14:20, July 19, 2017 (UTC) EmpyrealInvective (talk) 14:54, July 19, 2017 (UTC) EmpyrealInvective (talk) 16:53, July 19, 2017 (UTC) Re: Story Your stories have failed to meet quality standards, as you tend to repeat a lot of the same issues, I'm going to focus on the latest one. Your stories tend to have a lot of capitalization, punctuation, wording, and story issues. Please note that this isn't a comprehensive list of issues, just ones that you have a tendency to repeat in your stories. Capitalization: You have a tendency to not properly capitalize dialogue tags. ""You good?" He (he) asked Earl". Also if you are using an honorific, it should be capitalized "None clue cousin (Cousin), does seem a right strange shouldn't she have had like bodyguards er something?" A good rule of thumb is to switch out the title for the name and if it fits, it generally requires capitalize. (But Mom didn't listen/But Julia didn't listen. vs. But my mom didn't listen/But my Julia didn't listen.) Punctuation: You forget to properly punctuate a number of sentences with commas. "Tossing the beer in the trash(,) Dylan opened the fridge to grab another.", "Yea (Yeah), heading to work in a few anyways(,/.) I'll catch you tomorrow(,) still on for fishing?", "he muttered under his breath(,) slowly pushing a bag of corn over her face and locking the freezer", etc. You also forget to punctuate dialogue and sentences a number of times. ""They won't find her here(comma missing)" he muttered", ""You good?" He asked Earl(period missing)", etc. Wording: "Trigger poked his nose in there and barked, his nose pointing towards a T-bone steak with a bag of peas next to it. Triggered (you switched up the dog's name) grabbed the peas with his mouth and started walking back to the house. Dylan laughed." Awkward/incomplete wording: "Frozen shut for a few days now." That line should have been joined to the previous sentence with a comma. I'd advise re-reading your stories as some of your wording comes off as a bit clunky at times. Story issues: There's quite a lot of disparity in the narrative voice. You go from: "The country would be upset and worry and for good reason, look at her she is the perfect package. Body that doesn't stop and an ass that doesn't quit." to "He grabbed the steak and looked down. Those eyes gazed at him. Frozen shut for a few days now." and it's a bit jarring of a shift from a more personal narrative to a matter-of-fact voice. Additionally in your previous story, you ended up shifting perspective from first person to third in the span of a few lines. Story issues cont.: The title "Why is Carmen Electra naked in my freezer" gives away the entire twist of the story and really weakens the plot as you don't really explain how she got there or why she is in there. Typically if you're going for a twist, you want to avoid referencing it in the beginning. It'd be like titling "The Sixth Sense" as "Bruce Willis' Ghost" in terms of spoiling the plot. Story issues final: There are other issues here, but I'd like to focus on just one more as this is getting on the long side. A lot of your stories rely heavily on the end, but don't really do much to properly build up the story. It has a tendency to come off like an unfinished story aster isn't really enough to make the twist feel effective or cohesive. As stated above, isn't really effective as it gives away the ending very early on and it doesn't really build up the horror (describing the events that lead up to that, evidence left at the scene that suggests foul play, or speculation as to the kidnapper's intent would give the story a lot more of an unsettling feeling. As it stands now, it feels like the last few lines of your story are to shoe-horn in a twist that really isn't alluded to or built-up in the plot itself (ignoring the title's issue). I'd suggest using the writer's workshop for your next story as this is the fourth story that the admins have deleted here and getting some feedback before attempting to post to the main site might really help you out. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 17:32, July 19, 2017 (UTC) :No problem, I use the workshop myself from time to time and I always get helpful advice on there so I can't recommend it enough. Have a good one. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 18:15, July 19, 2017 (UTC)